Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Today I did two things that made me sad afterwards. As is a common practice with me, I sprinkled water on a friend's face lovingly after washing my hands. And as I was walking down the corridor, I saw a poor little dog turn its face towards me, wagging its tail happily and I sprinkled water on its face! Immediately I felt bad when I saw it cringe away. I apologised and it seemed to understand. It seemed to smile at me and wag its tail more vigorously than before.
And when I was waiting for a bus, a young boy came up to me and said 'Didi ekta chop kine debe?' I gave him the money, but didn't buy him a chop. And for some reason he didn't go up to the fast-food stall and buy what he wanted to. He just kept asking others to buy him a chop. I don't fel strongly for able-bodied beggars, but something about this boy, something about the way he kept staring at the food from a distance, waiting very patiently for someone to buy him food, hurt me. All around the stall there were hungry faces, but shining faces and his was the only greasy, hungry face and lit up only once in a while. My bus came and I didn't wait to see if he ate. I'm sorry.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

People play foul games. Right Left Center. Painful. Tiresome. Bestiality is two minutes away. And never to become man again is a possibility that is eternal.

I'll be your pillow, I'll be your shoulder, I'll be the ear you can whisper into. But I'll not support you. Not when you are wrong. I'll stand by you, I'll believe you, I'll love you still.But I'll not speak for you. Not when you are wrong.

Monday, March 22, 2010

My M is getting married. When we were very young and we believed in a Utopic world, we decided to give marriage a miss and stay together as 'nuns'. Somehow we thought that being a celibate was equivalent to being a nun. As adolescents, we were less rigorous and I pictured M getting married in an opulent manner, in a carnival of red and gold and saw myself posing as the principal bridesmaid. M is getting married. I am happy for her. I am sad. It feels weird, unsettling to see your best friend marry a man of whom you know so little. M is happy. I'm happy that she's happy. But inside my heart there's this nagging fear of finally having to let go of her.It's a fear of unbelonging. M will make a beautiful bride. She is a beautiful woman. But I won't be there. I could never have imagined not being with her on her wedding day, not sitting tight by her side throughout the day, not eyeing her in-laws with a little apprehension and more abhimaan but I am going on a trip. Somehow it feels better to stay away.

I'm probably horribly selfish and possessive, but M is still so much a part of me, despite the physical distance,that it's almost as bad as alienation from the self. I'll miss the M who has always been such a constant factor in my life. Love you. Wish you a very happy married life.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Why must I always make sense? I declare I will not.

Saw 4 lovely puppies. Reminds me of a weird song from long ago- a song my friends Sree and Tanusree had made years ago. ' amader birisona sohinididir skirt taane/ skirt taane na pant taane/ke jaane bhai ke jaane'. This text has no basis in any preceding event for its creation and the performance was an exaggerated one for 'Biri' the dog had only just sniffed me and never accosted me in a violent canine fashion . Biri was a dear little dog, despite the obnoxious name.This reminds me of yet another song 'Panapukure snan kore mor sordi legechhe.' The first time we heard this was when Sree and I were seated by the window, trying to pay attention in class, of course in vain. Such poesy lifted us up from the mundane atmosphere of the classroom and allowed us to wiggle through the narrow windows to the music recorder that was playing it. There our souls fluttered around the recorder, like thirsty bees around flowers, or flies over entho. :)

Bajey bokey shanti holo.