Letting go.

It's difficult. Awfully. Especially when you aren't least aware that you have to, that situations have so alligned themselves that you just have to whether you want or not. On second thoughts letting go isn't difficult when you want to. Dumb sentence, the previous one. But one must grow used to it, over the years. But some seem never to get the hang of the thing. It only grows worse. I have had to let go of so many, I wish I didn't have to, ever. I still hang on to the hope that they will come back. It's not all that difficult if you fall out of love, I hardly ever do, not with friends.

I hope I never had to let you go A, I was so so fond of you, still am. Now when we talk I am dead scared that you might think I am just trying to be sociable, just trying to put up an effervescent front so as not to give vent to all the hurt stored in piles inside. I hope you see that I still love you a lot.
I wish I never had to let you go, either, A. You were the dearest sister ever, loved more than you could ever comprehend. I remember fondly how you used to cuddle up to me, tell me every little thing that mattered to you, wherever we went you used to come and sit by me. I can see that you love me still, but we aren't close anymore. And do you know it hurts! Awfully. When I have to choose between a sister and another, and I don't, I just lose one. I just wish I never had to concede that loss. But will you ever see? And will you ever understand that I never moved away, never wanted to, all I needed was a little time? We still love each other, I know, but where's the warmth gone? where's the unrestraint?
And you S, my best friend, my brother,the one who could say anything to me and I to him, critique each other openly...I have had to let you go because you would stick to some whims of yours, without even realising you weren't helping yourself, me or anybody for that matter, or perhaps realising but sticking to those whims nonetheless. I miss those hours of talking, my turning to you for support, your telling me everything. Hope everything gets better.
And you S, you grew so cold, so frozen, I was bewildered, hurt, couldn't understand a thing, never got a reply when I asked you. Now we have been trying to make up for all that, but do you know how obviously 'tried' it seems when you show your concern in a situation, in which, had it happened before our fallout you would have done much much more for me. But I don't mind. At least you try. At least I matter that much.
Now I am even scared of loving my friends too much. I'm always in for a separation. I believe I am at fault too, but I wish you guys would just trust my words and just step into my shoes for a while and see how I felt and feel. Hurt, lost, depressed. Nothing fills the blanks, nothing takes the pain away, not for long!