Little glimpses of hell in a masquerade. I have lost my way and do not know how to sail through. Masks never remain constant. They change faces. Just when you think you've grown used to a face and started holding on to it as if it were the only branch however weak and tiny, on that barren crag you are hanging from...it changes its contours. People moult too. I don't know the ones around me. They have all moulted. Where do I run?

shob chhere palate ichhe korchhe. So tired.

Letting go.

It's difficult. Awfully. Especially when you aren't least aware that you have to, that situations have so alligned themselves that you just have to whether you want or not. On second thoughts letting go isn't difficult when you want to. Dumb sentence, the previous one. But one must grow used to it, over the years. But some seem never to get the hang of the thing. It only grows worse. I have had to let go of so many, I wish I didn't have to, ever. I still hang on to the hope that they will come back. It's not all that difficult if you fall out of love, I hardly ever do, not with friends.

I hope I never had to let you go A, I was so so fond of you, still am. Now when we talk I am dead scared that you might think I am just trying to be sociable, just trying to put up an effervescent front so as not to give vent to all the hurt stored in piles inside. I hope you see that I still love you a lot.
I wish I never had to let you go, either, A. You were the dearest sister ever, loved more than you could ever comprehend. I remember fondly how you used to cuddle up to me, tell me every little thing that mattered to you, wherever we went you used to come and sit by me. I can see that you love me still, but we aren't close anymore. And do you know it hurts! Awfully. When I have to choose between a sister and another, and I don't, I just lose one. I just wish I never had to concede that loss. But will you ever see? And will you ever understand that I never moved away, never wanted to, all I needed was a little time? We still love each other, I know, but where's the warmth gone? where's the unrestraint?
And you S, my best friend, my brother,the one who could say anything to me and I to him, critique each other openly...I have had to let you go because you would stick to some whims of yours, without even realising you weren't helping yourself, me or anybody for that matter, or perhaps realising but sticking to those whims nonetheless. I miss those hours of talking, my turning to you for support, your telling me everything. Hope everything gets better.
And you S, you grew so cold, so frozen, I was bewildered, hurt, couldn't understand a thing, never got a reply when I asked you. Now we have been trying to make up for all that, but do you know how obviously 'tried' it seems when you show your concern in a situation, in which, had it happened before our fallout you would have done much much more for me. But I don't mind. At least you try. At least I matter that much.
Now I am even scared of loving my friends too much. I'm always in for a separation. I believe I am at fault too, but I wish you guys would just trust my words and just step into my shoes for a while and see how I felt and feel. Hurt, lost, depressed. Nothing fills the blanks, nothing takes the pain away, not for long!

In less than 40 hours, I have a test to write on the Romantics, who though a favourite group of poets can not sustain much critical and analytical studying and I have a huge inclination to write a post on rain(yes again!), a temptation that I must give into, the Romantics, the test and the late hour not withstanding.
It had rained heavily last afternoon and satiated with my fill of staring out of the window at the ripples making and breaking, overlapping and dissolving anti-climactically, in the green pond and little muddy puddles, I ventured outdoors. The black pitch lane, blacker than usual, wet and sleek, lay before me and as I walked on this winding para path, the tedious and the quotidian came forth in newer shades-subdued and soft, melancholy but not morose. It seemed as if the same yellow house that glazed in the sun, and the tired green leaves that wearily languished over a high boundary-wall, and the dead looking moss on the wall been touched with a wet paint-brush, which despite the agency of softer hues, had infused life in them. I have often wondered if anything can contest the beauty of a cloudy sky silhouetted against which stand canopies of high- reaching trees. I declare, nothing can. The grey sky, with its cloud cover kept reminding me of Pelling and the walks under a very low sky on the winding, sinuous roads that I undertook more than a year ago. yesterday I kept returning to those walks through clouds,swathed in layers of warm clothing, when the only assailable body parts of mine that the clouds could touch mischievously were my uncovered nose and mouth, through which I had swallowed a little cloud, in a bid to sing at the beauty surrounding me. If I could only return to Pelling once again.
Sometimes I should paint Sikkim on this blog, before it gets written off my mind, however unlikely that may be.

And finally it rained!! And how it rained! I am grinning, grinning, singing, grinning.All the time it rained today the ends of my lips remained stretched to their last limit-you can draw a perpendicular to the limit points on either side from the ear-side limits of my eyes-and my facial muscles hurt. BUTDOIGIVEADAMN!!! ITRAINED!!! The only time I stopped smiling was when this arrogant, rude man refused to budge from near us and smoked to his cursed lungs' peril even after we told him that we had a problem with smoke, and claimed that he would do so because the shed(actually a building under construction) we had taken refuge under belonged to him! I wish Dr.Slop could read out from Bishop Ernulphus's book of excommunication and insert his name(whatever it is) in place of Obadiah's. And I met my best friends today, after a long time and spent a lot of time with the chubby bunny. And my best friend had a good news to report. And I am happy.
Oh thou happy happy raindrops!
Oh thy blessed purity.
arghh!
Whatever.

Ultrasentimentalcrap.

So once upon a time you were friends...of mine. you, you, you, you and you. Good friends, great friends. Friends to swear by, friends to stand by. And I had great confidence in myself and you...all of you, that nothing will change, ever, if anything(/one) does that won't be either of us. And I basked in the glory of our friendship, let my spirits be high with love for you, filled my head with words you said, delayed my walks back home and so did you...all of you. And then this nothingness. And then this void. Would it help to take each of our friendships apart and see where it went wrong? Would it help even if we did find that precise point and talked at length about it? I did. You did. You did. You did. You did. We did. You and I did not. Not clearly. We didn't know. I didn't dare go back and dwell on the one moment that destroyed it all. But you and I were two parts of the same world. Or so I thought. You never did.
So that world where you and I belonged, has been closed by a door. And there's rust and a lock on it. And I wouldn't open it, not once more. I wouldn't try to match my footsteps with those in the dust, they won't fit anymore and I want them intact, at least in memory.

It's so darn easy to say so and so has had a heartbreak...like it's some fancy toy or a porcelain bowl a corner of which has chipped off, when in truth, hearts don't break, not for ever. But something dies. Gradually. Inside. And there's a huge load on your chest and a lump in your throat and defunct lip muscles. And there's no reason why you should wake up the next morning just as there's no reason why people should tell you to forget, when everyone knows darn well it isn't easy to forget when everyone is actually helping you remember, rather than forget. And then one day you do. You wake up and go about your ways and don't even realise that you haven't thought of him/her even once. Wow, you think, you've moved on. Moving on comes easy to girls -some one told me once. I wish you were true. It'll hurt baby, It'll ache. And I can't do anything to take it away and I won't try. Just let it be. Sometimes when you need to cry badly, for no apparent reasons, blame it all on this one quiescent pain. And cry.

So there, I've lost a friend, a friend, a friend, a friend and a best friend. Mustn't have been worth it? But I have you, and you, and you, you, you,you. Thank God for you.

p:s- erm...mush, crap.Whatever!

I admit. It's my fault. I cross lines too easily, trust too easily, believe too easily that people will reciprocate my feelings, expect witha stupid conviction that they will try to understand me like I try to understand them. Serves me right! One doesn't have any right to stay this naive and stupid anymore. Time I grew up.

I've got such a lot to say that the enormity of the volume of words that seethe inside puts me off the track, benumbs my fingers and makes my key-board recalcitrant. Will write later.